Navigating Grief During the Holidays

Holidays can be a time of joy, togetherness, and cherished family traditions. However, for those grieving the loss of a loved one, a relationship or even a job, the holidays can also be a period of profound sadness, longing, and emotional turmoil. Navigating grief during “the most wonderful time of the year” can be difficult, especially the first year or two after a loss.

One of the key insights emerging from my work is the unpredictable nature of grief. It can wash over you at unexpected moments, like a wave that overwhelms you, knocking you off your feet. Sometimes you might be able to anticipate a wave, but even so, it can be a struggle to keep your emotional balance. Grief takes up a lot of space, consuming so much of our mental and emotional capacity, and can make us more sensitive, quicker to anger, on edge and easily frustrated.

Holidays are a time when families come together, and this shared experience can amplify grief. We all have our own experience of grief, and each person may have a different relationship with the deceased, leading to varied emotional responses within the same family. One person may feel a sense of relief, while another is consumed by sorrow. Dealing with these disparate emotions can be challenging, but it's important to remember there is no "right way” to grieve.

If you are grieving a recent loss during this holiday season, here are a few tips that may help you and your loved ones through this difficult time:

1. Reduce Expectations: One of the most valuable pieces of advice I can offer is to be gentle with yourself and your loved ones during this time. Recognize the season may not look or feel the same as it once did, and that's okay. Avoid putting pressure on yourself or your family to recreate the "perfect" holiday experience.
2. Communicate and Plan Ahead: Have open and honest conversations with your family about how you'd like to honor your loved one's memory. Perhaps there is some role this person played in the holiday, and planning on how to handle that task can turn a potential trigger for sadness into a moment celebrating their memory. Creating new traditions to honor individuals lost might provide comfort and meaning, such as placing a wreath on their gravesite, sharing favorite stories, etc. Be mindful not everyone will join, and that’s okay. If afternoon and evening get-togethers are likely to involve too much alcohol, leading to heightened emotions among family members, consider having a celebration earlier in the day.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel: Acknowledge the full range of emotions you may experience – sadness, longing, relief, anger. Don't try to suppress or avoid these feelings. Allow yourself to feel them in healthy ways. Talk about them with friends or family. Avoidance has some short-term benefits, but it also has long-term consequences, as the process of grieving will take place sooner or later. Also give yourself permission to feel moments of joy during the holiday, even as you mourn, because these moments may be the reprieve necessary to continue the grieving process. You should not equate joy and happiness, among all the other feelings, to a lack of caring.
4. Seek Support: Lean on family and friends who can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or simply a comforting presence. Don't be afraid to seek out grief support groups or online communities where you connect with others who understand what you're going through. It is never too soon to seek professional help. You do not have to prolong suffering, and professional help may be the necessary step to process emotions and behaviors to support the grieving process.
5. Practice Self-Care: Make time for activities and moments that help you feel connected to your loved one or provide a sense of peace and comfort. This could be as simple as taking a walk, listening to music, visiting a meaningful place or even sitting quietly for a few moments feeling gratitude for your memories. Engaging in self-care can help you manage the emotional rollercoaster of grief.
6. Be Prepared for Unexpected Triggers: Recognize certain sights, sounds, or traditions may unexpectedly trigger waves of grief. Experience them as they come, as they are a natural part of grieving. Anticipating these unexpected triggers can help you feel more in control and better equipped to navigate them. It is important to plan for how you'll manage those moments, whether it's taking a break, reaching out to a friend, or finding a quiet space to experience what you are feeling.
7. Extend Grace: Remember everyone is navigating grief in their own way. Be patient and understanding with yourself and your loved ones, even if their responses don't align with your own. Forgive any missteps or insensitive comments, as they are likely coming from a place of good intentions. People are uncomfortable with grief and may say and do things out of their discomfort that seem awkward. Extending grace to yourself and others can foster a more compassionate and supportive interaction.

For those struggling with complicated relationships or unresolved conflicts, the holidays can be particularly fraught. Perhaps there was tension or even estrangement between you and the person you've lost. Or maybe the dynamics within your family have always been challenging. In these situations, it's important to acknowledge the complexity of these feelings. Every family member has had their own experience with the person – a daughter may remember nothing but conflict, while a grandchild may remember warmth and support – and each will have their own equally valid experience of grief. There is no right way to grieve.

One of the most important things to remember is there is no timeline for grief. The first couple holiday seasons after a loss may feel unbearable, and with time and self-compassion, the pain can become more manageable. That said, it's crucial to be aware of the signs of prolonged or complicated grief, such as persistent depression, isolation, or an inability to find joy in daily life. If these symptoms persist, it may be time to seek professional help.

Ultimately, the holidays are a time to honor the memory of our loved ones, to find moments of connection and meaning, and to be gentle with ourselves as we navigate the complex emotions of grief. By being proactive, reducing expectations, and seeking support, we can create space for both the pain and the joy this season can bring.